Sleep Update

I finally thought, with these ear plugs, that if I go lie in bed, maybe I'll not hear her.(I'm farther away)  I crawled into bed and buried my head in the pillow when Barry put his hand on my back.  I lost it. I broke, started crying.  Luckily, shortly after I started talkinig to barry about it, she fell asleep.  It was about 1:30.  We (Barry and I) woke up shortly before 8:30 thinking that we should wake her up when she started waking up. 

I was happy to see when I walked in her room and she was smiling.  She still loves me... that's good. :)

8 Month Sleep Regression

After being an angel sleeper since she was 8 weeks old, Alexsa has decided to rebel at full force.  For about a week now, she's been waking up in the middle of the night. Sometimes its for a few hours at a time, sometimes it was just to be rocked back to sleep.  Some nights are better than others.  Well, I thought the night before last was the worst.  Up from from 11:30 to 1, then from 2-3:30, then again at 5.  The last night was just a play hour from 12-2... Then she slept until 10:30!!!!  So i was afraid tonight would be bad.  Well, here we are, 1:04 AM, and she's only slept in 2 small spurts since 3:00.  She went down at her normal time, around 8:00, but woke up at 8:45.  I decided to take her with me to go to the airport to pick up my Dad (back from Bolivia!) so she was up the whole time, and finally fell asleep on the way home, which was about a 30 minute ride.  We got home at 11:45ish and she's been crying ever since.  I read that this is called Sleep Regression.  They're little bodies and brains are going through such a hugh developmental push that they just can't take it and don't sleep.  So what do they suggest to help? Sleep.  Well no shit. If i could get her to sleep we wouldn't be having this conversation, now would we? 

I'm sitting here with ear plugs in my ears and I still hear my baby wailing.  Its breaking my heart.  I need her to sleep and i can't think of another way except to let her tire herself out - i've tried everything else: We rocked, she won't take a bottle, I gave her teething tablets, we took a lavender bath, I gave her tylenol, i just let her play.... nothing soothed her for more than a few minutes.  She doesn't want to be held, yet she doesn't want to be too far from you...  I feel like a horrible mother with these plugs in my ears, but its the only way i'm not walking in there every 5 minutes.  its now been 13 or so and i think she's finally calming down, then she goes for round 2.  Its a good thing you can't hear this blog...

*sigh*

Six Months Old!

We went to the doctor for Alexsa's 6 month wellness check today.  Here are her stats:

Weight: 15lb 4 oz (30th)

Height: 26 1/4" (70th)

Head: 42cm (30th)

So, compared to her 4 month check up, she's getting closer to the middle range.  I kinda hopes she stays below 50% - I like that she's petite :)

At her 6 month birthday:

• Alexsa has learned to sit up, get on all fours, rock and even crawl!  She's my little mover now.  She had no fear when it came to learning to crawl.  She got on all fours and within a few days she was taking that first 'step' with her hand.  It only took a few times of plopping on her forehead before she figured out  how to move her legs to go along with her hands to keep her balance.
• She is eating 6-8 ounces of formula every 3 hours, eating 4-5 times a day depending on her naps.
• She and Daddy have so much fun during the day!  She is just so much fun to watch and play with and is a happy happy baby 90% of the time.
• Daddy has become the baby whisperer. He is very good at getting Alexsa to go down and if she's extra fussy, Barry goes in that room and does some sort of voodoo because 80% of the time, she won't make another peep when he comes out.
• I love love love my time with her. I'm starting to get sad at how fast all these milestones are coming. Just last week she learned to crawl and she's already learning to pull herself to stand?  I need to hurry up and invent that time machine so I can travel back to this age. 
• I love her snuggles.  She knows the perfect way to curl up in my arms that makes me melt every time.
• Alexsa has a gift to make everyone she meets fall madly in love with her.  She's got an infectious smile that even the biggest cynic could catch.
• She LOVES the camera. 

Breastfeeding Update

I guess this should be called the Not-Breastfeeding Update. :(

After my Appendectomy, my milk supply, which was already almost nothing, really took a nosedive.  I didn't do anything as far as pumping on Monday, the day of my surgery. On Tuesday I was able to pump once while in the hospital. It was hard to find a balance of sitting up and not squishing my just-cut-open belly and getting a good seal on the suction cups. Then Wednesday I was at my sister's most of the day and i don't remember what all I did.  By the time I got back to work on Thursday I pumped my normal 2 times and got less than a 1/4 oz. Aggregate. That was the point I gave up.  I just coudn't take an hour out of my work for that.  SOOOO.... we are now soley on formula. :(  It sucks.  It stinks.  Its expensive.  It makes her spit up more. .  But what can you do?  At least she'll be starting on solids soon... in my head I feel like the cost might go down then... Am I dreaming?

Tips for Teething Parent Needed

Alexsa has been a Pill the last 2 days (yes, with a capital P).  Yesterday she had a total of less than an hour nap ALL day, broken up into 3 or 4 sessions.  Today she's been better, until about 20 minutes ago.  She didn't take a morning nap, but fell asleep during her 2nd feeding and slept for a good 45 minutes.  She was falling asleep during her 3rd feeding so I put her down afterwards and is now crying in her crib.  Those few short moments she did sleep yesterday it was because I rocked her to sleep.  Now I'm wondering if she's manipulating me to try and rock her to sleep EVERY time, or if she's not actually tired and wants out, or if she's just hurting and wants me to comfort her.  I'm afraid that if I give in and rock her to sleep again she'll start to expect it, but if I don't than I'm being a horrible mother for ignoring her child in pain. 
As far as soothing her pain, we've tried the teething tablets and they don't seem to work.  I've tried tylenol and that seems to help a bit, but i don't want to rely on that.  And I'm afraid to admit it for fear of the DCF, but we've even tried a few drops of wiskey and that seemed to help a bit.  Today someone told me to try vanilla... the taste seemed to distract her for a few minutes... 
SO what do I do? Do I let her cry and suffer in pain so she doesn't get used to being coaxed to sleep, or do I pick her up because she's sick?  UGH... I hate to hear her cry...

(Not So Much)Breastfeeding Update

I realized I've been a bit hazy when it comes to my BF woes.  Here's a quick recap:

• After a breast reduction surgery in 2001, I was told that i should be able to breasfeed.
• During our BF classes we were told that they usually see breast reduction women have trouble and they've never seen a reduction breast go 100%.  This really upset me because this was one of the things i was REALLY looking forward to with Alexsa.
• We did everything we could to boost my production after she was born:  Shatavari suppliments, Mother's Milk Tea, Beer, weekly lactation appointments, extra pumping, and extra feedings...
• Around 2 months things started looking up... but as soon as my prodcution would almost meet her needs, she would up her intake...
• When I got back to work when she was 7 weeks, I had to pump twice a day, but being away from her for so long during the day really diminished my production, then she got so used to the bottle she would fight me at the breast.
• It got to the point where she would only latch with me in the mornings, and now, not at all.
• Becuase I've been SOLEY pumping, my production just gets worse and worse every week...

Now back to today:
I tried for another day to get Alexsa to latch.  I didn't even use the SNS so i could focus on just getting her to want the boob again.  It was hopeless.  It's like she lost the association of my breast with food.  So Thursday at work I called our lactation consultant (the hospital offers free support for 1 year!) and Toni was just wonderful.  She talked me through and explained that I have to 'find the balance'.  She of course didn't want to tell me to stop, but as I explained to her what all we've done, she said some things that made me decide to throw in the towel.  She asked if I had the ability to take a week off of work to try and get her to latch again.  I of course don't, taking all my PTO for my maternity leave after she was born.  That made me realize that we just don't have the ability to make the commitment needed for her to truly latch again... and to what results? I'd just have to go back to work and the cycle would start again.

I've tried not to let popular opinion sway me from pumping what I can.  At work when my co-workers see how little I produce after 20 minutes they wonder why I even bother. (sometimes just 1/2 oz total!) But I know how important BM is, and even a little is better than nothing.  Currently, with 3-4 pumping sessions a day, I make about 5 oz of BM for her, or a little less than 1 meal's worth.

We made the decision to keep pumping until I make less than 3oz a day.  At least she'll continue to get some and maybe by that time she'll be starting on solids and it won't be as big a deal. This is definitely not the way we wanted to go.  Barry and I feel that breast milk is SOO important.  And I probably could do more to up my production, and in the process never get to spend any time with Alexsa.  Sometimes you just have to step back and find a balance.

SNS

     I've tried to get Alexsa to latch 4 times since we bought the SNS.  The first 3 times I put the SNS on, got it all taped up and sat with her to try and latch.  She wants NOTHING to do with me.  The last time (just tonight) my idea was to try and just get her to latch and then have Barry put the tube in her mouth and show her that food is coming.  She would just let my nipple rub on her mouth and she would keep those lips closed, then smiiile at me. Then she would get pissed and start wailing.  Grrrr....  Is it possible that she has un-learned how to breastfeed? 
     Because we spent the  money on this contraption, I'm going to keep trying for the week and maybe try and get an appointment with a lactation consultant.  Then I'm going to chalk it up to blaming Barry and I: we waited too long for this option. 
     With Alexsa not on the breast, I'm solely pumping.  However, my production is getting less and less because I don't have her stimulation, added to the fact that when we're out and about on the weekends, I'm not carrying my pump around and not pumping as much.  Today I maybe got 2 oz from the 2 pumping sessions at work.  And I drank ALOT today. Hopefully tomorrow will pick up a bit...

I Love This Song

Heard this song for the first time in a while... I absolutely love it.

It Won't Be Like This For Long by Darius Rucker

Happy 4 months!

Alexsa is 4 months today! 

Click here here and here for her chair comparisons. :)

When they say it goes by fast, they weren't kidding.  You are growing so fast!  You're 4 month wellness check isn't until Monday, so we'll talk about your stats then. :)  Daddy is still watching you while I work.  Its so hard for me to only see you a few hours a day!  Every day is a countdown to the weekend where I get to spend 2 whole days with you.  I  love seeing your smile when I walk in the door and hear your laugh.  I don't know what it is that you find so funny sometimes! Maybe one day you can let me in on the joke. :)

You have started to become such a rolly polly!  You can roll both ways, going from front to back first, then just a week later going from back to front! Now, you'll roll all over the house if i let you.

You are enjoying being held a lot more than you used to, and i love it because you cling to me.  I love that you feel so safe in my arms. Its such an amazing feeling that I think only other mothers can know. Maybe in 25 years you can say to  me "I know what you were talking about." when you hold your own child.  I'll look forward to that moment with you.

You are starting to grasp at things, but not quite get everything yet.  You can, however, hold your rag dolls very well.  You also like to slobber all over them. In fact, you like to slobber on everything!  We're wondering if you're starting to teethe.  Dad finds it disgusting, but he doesn't hold it against you.  (It doesn't bother me so much.)

You are still very much attached to your binky when you are tired or after you eat.  You'll wake up a few times a night just because your bink fell out, but other than that you're sleeping through the night.  Which  means you go about 12 hours at night between feedings. 

Speaking of feeding, Alexsa, you are very consistent in eating every 3 hours during the day.  You aren't a fan of my boobs anymore, only feeding for a few minutes before you want the bottle.  Its pretty understandable, since my production has gone WAY down.  It takes me all day of pumping to make 1 meal of mommy milk for you.  Its definitely not what we planned, but we have to roll with the punches and do what we can to keep you as healthy as we can.

I'm feeling bittersweet about the boob thing.  One one hand, it really sucks that I can't nourish you the way I want to.  I just hope you don't suffer from it when you're older.  On the other hand, I really enjoy feeding you from the bottle and knowing you're getting your fill.  It is also SO much easier to be able to be on the go and just mix some formula for you, and not having to carry my pump AND your diaper bag around everywhere we go.

I think that's it for now, Baby Girl.  As you lay in your crib sleeping, I hope you're having sweet dreams. I love you!

My Little Sleeper

Alexsa has been a great sleeper. She's slept through the night since she was 7 weeks old (the night I before I went back to work!).  However, I've swaddled her every night.  She's starting to get too big for her swaddler.  She can kick herself out of the leg pouch if i don't do it just right.  So I decided last night to just put her in jammies and see how she does.  She woke up once at 4, but I put her binky back in her mouth and she went right back down.  I picked her up at her first squirm around 7:00 (I have to leave for work at 7:30) and she breast fed.  I'm not a big producer, so it was probably 3 or 4 ounces if we're lucky that she consumed. She was so sleepy the whole time!  Afterward I put her back in her crib, like I always do, but I swaddled her this time.  She was up for about an hour total before she went back to sleep.

Barry called me at NOON and she was STILL SLEEPING!  Barry actually woke her up at 12:45 to eat and she was pissed at him for doing so.  Keep in mind, she just slept for about 10 hours, woke for an hour without a big meal, then slept for another 4 hours!  I'm wondering if she didn't get a good night's sleep because she was free to move her arms and kept feeling like she was falling.  Thoughts?  I just put her down for the night with just jammies again. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

Breastfeeding Woes

I was going to title this one "Tonight Sucked."

It actually started Saturday.  At Alexsa's second feeding of the day, she decided to refuse me. It wasn't a gradual "I'm starting to get sick of this boob" thing, it was: "Morning feed? Yummy! 2nd Feeding? I hate tit." She repeated herself until that evening, but Sunday it was the same story.  I figured it was because she's gotten used to the bottle during the day with Daddy, but its now Wednesday and she's continued to refuse me except for in the morning.  She starts crying as soon as I lay her down in front of me, like I'm about to throw her into a fire or something.

Well tonight I had enough.  She actually started crying when I took my shirt off.  The sight of my breasts repulses her that much.  So I just sat there and cried while she wailed at me.*  Every time I did anything close to what she thought was me trying to get her to latch, she just screamed louder, which made me cry harder.  I gave up and made her a bottle, which made me cry again because the thought of me feeding her formula when there's perfect milk millimeters from her pissed me off.  The thought of how much formula costs pissed me off.  Doesn't she know I want what's best for her, and that's Mommy Milk? Doesn't she know we're broke?

I have worked so hard to be able to produce the little I am giving her as it is.  Doesn't she realize what I go through to get her the best meal possible? (My reduction surgery has made breastfeeding an all out battle of wills: Mandi v. Boob.  As soon as I think I'm winning, Boob throws a dirty play.)

I'm hoping this is just a temporary thing. Do you think that shes getting upset because she's got a bit of a stuffy nose and maybe its harder for her to drink from me than a bottle because of it?  Maybe its just a phase.  I just hope this is temporary, and not a sign that she's done with me.

*side note: My child screams in just the right tone that literally rings my ears, its almost painful.  Is it designed that way?

Two Months Old!

WOW! I can't believe you're two months already.  It has been a whirl wind and the last 2 months have flown by.  You are growing so fast!!  At 2 months:

You spend the day with Daddy because I went back to work 2 weeks ago.  When I come home you smile because you're happy to see me!  You make my day and I can't stop kissing your sweet smelling skin.

You are getting stronger and are getting pretty good at holding your head up. You're not 100% but you 'hold your own'. :)

You are my sweet sleeper.  You consistantly sleep 7-8 hours at night, which is so great for letting me get good rest for work.  Thank you, Baby!

You love your bath!

You're drinking anywhere from 3-5 oz at a meal, and like to eat every 2-3 hours during the day. We call you our Chunk-a-Monk. :)

Alexsa, I love you so much. I love what you've given our family.  Being a Mom is the coolest feeling in the world.  You know that feeling when you're next in line to ride that exciting new roller coaster? Or when you get your learner's permit? Or when you and your love experience your first kiss? When you take the first bite of an amazing dish? Or when you say "I Do"?  You take those feelings, mush them together into one awesome feeling and constantly multiply it.  That's the closest I can describe how much I love you. 

I can't wait for tomorrow. :)

When Will the Bubble Burst?! Never, I Hope!

Alexsa has been really great about going down to sleep at night for the past few days.  Someone gave me the advice to lay her down and just say "Goodnight", and that was it.  Who would've thought it would work so well?!

I'm trying to create a night routine.  Its not solid, but I think its familiar enough that she's taking to it.  We start winding down around 9:00.  Right now since she just lays there anyway, its more of Barry and I winding down than Alexsa.  We lower the lights, turn the TV down or off, and speak in softer voices. Then, by 10 we feed, change, and go to bed.  I give her her binky if she wants it and usually only have to put it back in her mouth 2 or 3 times before she doesn't need it anymore and both Mommy and Baby are asleep within 15-30 minutes. (Her basinette is still next to the bed.)

Last night she had a bottle around 8, so at 10 she still wasn't acting hungry.  I gave her my boobs anyway, and she ate for just a few minutes each.  I wondered if i was tapped out, so i tried to give her some formula, of which she was not interested at all. So we changed her diaper and laid her down.  The whole time I'm giving myself the prep talk that I'll be up in a few hours and be tired all day tomorrow for having to wake up 2-3 times.  Well, she went down really well and we were asleep shortly after 10.  My bladder woke me up, (which was a first since having Alexsa, BTW) rolled to look at the clock and freaked out when it said 5:35! WHAT!?  Did my 7 week old baby really just sleep for over 7 hours!?  Its 5:40 now and she's still not making a peep.  I leaned over to make sure she was still breathing a few times.  Now i'm awake just waiting for her to make a sound.  When she finally started to ink about 5:45 it was the best sound in the world.  I finally got up to pee and get ready for her and we had our first feeding of the day at 6:00!  WOW. 

When I had a really smooth pregnancy, Barry and I thought we'd have a difficult birth.  When our birth went really well, we thought for sure we'd have a difficult baby.  Now that she's so easy-peasy, I'm certain she's going to be a hellian as a toddler.  I mean, we've got to fall through this cloud we're living on sometime, right??

All the Single Ladies!

The Beyonce song has been in my head all morning. 

Anytime I think about how hard it is to take care of a newborn, I almost immediately think about the single parents out there.  I have SO MUCH respect for them, especially with more than one child. UGH.

Barry got called to a teaching job this morning so I have Alexsa by myself today.  Just chilling at the house isn't a big deal, but we have to go out today, which means I needed to shower and make myself presentable.  The thought of taking a shower w/ the risk of leaving Alexsa wailing scared the poo out of me and even thought about forgoing the shower. But I knew the day would have to come sooner or later, so after our morning feeding i laid her in her basinette and took a shower.  She was SO good!  I love how independent she is (and it scares me at the same time!)  She just lay there all content, and I even had an extra minute or so to just relax in the shower before turning off the water.  This is how happy she was when I came out of the bathroom:

Then I was able to get dressed and blowdry my hair before she was ready for some attention. 

She's so great!

Realization

After another night of Alexsa going to sleep at 1:00am, Barry made a realization: She has chosen her schedule. It seems no matter now much or little she sleeps during the day, she goes to bed about 1:00am, wakes up between 4:30 and 5:30 to feed, again at 7 or 8, then  we nap until 9 or 10am.  We start our go to bed process at 9pm with a quiet feeding then we swaddle her up and rock her for a bit.  As soon as she seems asleep, we put her down.  Ten minutes later, she's wide awake!  This process repeats until she gets hungry again about midnight and by then I'm so tired that I give in and fall asleep in the bed with her in my arms after her feed.  Sure we're getting sleep by not getting up until after 9, but come April 5th when I go back to work, I will not be a happy Mommy. SOOO, how do I coax her to going to bed earlier? Keep her up ALL day? Then I get nothing done and the house goes to pot even more than it already is.  Any other suggestions?  (And I the thought of putting whiskey on her paci has crossed my mind more than once...)

Schedule? What Schedule?

Ok, please tell me how to get Alexsa on a schedule. 
Night before last she was up until 3:00, then up almost every hour to feed. It sucked.

Last night she, again, would NOT go down so at 12:30 Barry just let her cry it out.  15 minutes later of uncontrolable wailing I couldn't take it anymore so I picked her up.  She was so worn out she fell almost immediately asleep, so swaddled her up and she slept for 5 hours or so.

Today she was awake ALL day except for a few moments when she's trying to eat and falls asleep on the boob, only to wake up 10 minutes later screaming hungry.  She did not want to be put down AT ALL.  Its 6:43 and she finally went down.  Now she's going to be awake in a few hours ready to be up all night, i just know it. 

AHHH!!!  Any suggestions would be fantastic.