Pic of the Day Hiatus

Because of our unexpected trip to Chicago, the pics of the day got ignored...  And now I'm just not in the mood to post 1 each day, so i'm going to be lazy and just post all the pictures from last week to my FB...

I'll post about Grandpa when I get a few moments and I'm up for it... just not quite ready yet.

No More Treatments

I mentioned a while back about Grandpa and his cancer.  Well he went through his radiation only to slow the cancer down.  After that he decided to try chemotherapy in 3 doses, 3 weeks apart.  The first dose (about 3 weeks ago) really knocked him on his ass and hasn't been the same since.  He's been in and out of the hospital, and finally came home last week.  He's been on different drugs for various things (fluid in his lungs, pains in his wrist and shoulder, etc). He's started to get confused by the time.  He wakes up in the middle of the night thinking its morning, or tries to take his evening meds an hour after taking them, not remembering that he's already taken them.  My aunt, who's been staying there with him, thought it might be the percocet, so they switched to vicodin.  The pain management got better (which is good) but the loopiness didn't really go away. 

Grandpa with his 3 kids

They had an appointment last week to discuss options, and Grandpa and the doctors decided not to continue with the treatments.  For the first time, the doctor gave a timeline: 1-9 months.  They brought up Hospice, and today, he reluctantly signed up.

I've been reading the daily email updates from my aunt and talking about it with my family, and I've been pretty calm about it.  It wasn't until I read the last email, with the subject "No More Treatments" that its really hitting me that I'll never see him alive again. I'll never feel another bear hug that almost squeeze the air out of your lungs.  I'll miss our card games with the "Ik - Ik - LaBOO!" curses after being given a bad card. 

At Grandpa's 80th Birthday Party


Grandpa has always been the stone foundation of our family.  The house on the lake has been the place to be for anything from July 4th celebrations to Just-Because bonfires and summer parties.  What's to become of the house?  Will it even be the same without its heart?  How do you say goodbye to your last living Grandparent? 

I wonder how he's feeling.  Is he sad to be leaving all of us behind? Is the thought of being with Grandma again comforting at all?  He loves life more than anyone I know.  Is that love so strong that the thought of death terrifying?  I worry about him. I want to hug him and tell him its OK, but at the same time, I'm being selfish.  I haven't talked to him in a few months.  During the end of my Grandma's life, we went to visit for Thanksgiving.  She wasn't the same person.  She didn't talk, and due to the steroids was about 50 pounds heavier.  Will Grandpa be the same? They have skype, but again - will he even look the same?  I want to remember him as the smiling leprechaun that gave us $10 whenever we went to walmart and bought me my first bikini behind my Dad's back. 

Life Beyond Babies?

I realized I've been slacking on posting things that are non-baby picture related... So here's an update on my life outside of Alexsa.

Work has been interesting.  Back in May, it was announced that our institution would be purchasing another, effectively growing the Bank by 40%.  Our 'Legal Day one' is in October, then the merger will be complete in December.  Luckily I still have my job, doing the same thing I'm doing now.  My virtual branch has been very slow since we lowered rates, so I've been helping in other parts of the operations department, primarily handling wires. Nothing too exciting, except for when I mess up!

Barry is starting his next semester in school on Monday.  He's about 1/2 way to his degree in education.  We both are looking forward to that!  He goes full force and has only gotten one B since starting, making A's in all other classes.  I'm so proud of him for working so hard to realize his dream.  He's had his share of jobs, so its nice for him to be working towards a his dream of teaching.  It really is what he's meant to do.

My family is doing well.  My dad is currently in Bolivia participating in a language immersion program to learn Spanish.  He is a Maryknoll Deacon who's job it is to ask for money to support Maryknoll's Missions. His district includes Puerto Rico and S Florida so its very important for him to learn Spanish!  He is having an amazing experience outside of the classroom as well, visiting Toro Toro and other unique places.  He's there for three months and will be back in October. We miss him but we're able to keep in touch on Skype. I love skype.  Mom is loving retirement and keeping very busy helping with the grand kids and volunteering anywhere she can.  Right now she's up in Chicago helping my Grandpa (more on that below).

The cats are doing great adjusting to Alexsa.  Most of the time they stay away, but Hiro is especially good about letting her pull out his hair pet him.  They aren't fans of the gates, but they are dealing with them.

Lastly, the sad news.  My grandpa went to the doctor a few months ago to check out a pain in his leg.  They found cancer that had eaten his femur so bad he had to get a metal rod put in for support.  Unfortunately we learned the cancer was a secondary cancer, and it had come from his lungs. When they ran tests on his lungs, they found the cancer had travelled to his lymph nodes as well.  They classified it as Stage 4 and, because of the lymph nodes, its inoperable.  So he went through radiation, but it only kept the cancer from growing further.  His next step is chemo, which he may or may not do.  His 81st birthday is on the 31st.  He's had a full life and watched his wife of 60 years go through the crapiness of cancer 2 years ago.  I won't blame him for not doing the chemo.  I will be heartbroken when he leaves us though.  He's the last of my grandparents.   I have so many great memories with him.  Also, I am nervous to learn of the fate of their house.  It is a magical little house on the lake that is, after all my travels, hands down the best place on earth. I know 7 other grandchildren and 9 great-grandchilren that feel the same way.  Its been nice that my mom is there; We've been able to talk on skype and he's been able to see Alexsa laugh and crawl around.

So, even though my life (and heart) revolve around Alexsa, other things do go on. :) 

*Hug your Children...

...every chance you get.

Got a call today from my mom to learn that my cousin's 6 year old daughter, Elizabeth, drowned in her bath last  night.  I don't know very much about what happened - I'm sure there's still an investigation going on - but needless to say its tragic.

I wouldn't wish what Bryan is going through on my worst enemy. 

As I was giving Alexsa her bath tonight I wondered if there will be a day that I'll not think of Elizabeth when I give Alexsa a bath. 

I never got to meet her. Unfortunately I haven't seen Bryan in about 15-20 years. 

I ache for him.  Imagining what he's feeling right now is painful enough. If the intensity is equal to imagining what its like to love your own child, then actually having a child, then I don't think I would survive.

I just want to hold my baby.

Its moments like this that I wonder if its worth having nights out w/o the baby.  If something were to happen to her, will I ever forgive myself for not spending a minute more with her, instead of going out to dinner with my husband or checking my facebook?

How do I get over the guilt I feel for knowing my baby is sleeping soundly in the next room, when his will never wake up again?

I am so sorry for Bryan and his family. 

The english language falls short in moments like this.

*Please forgive the lack of cohesion on this post... just wanted to get some thoughts out.

Somer Thompson

Those who live locally here in Jax know about Somer Thompson. If you don't, please click here, then read on.

North Florida has been heartbroken for the past 72 hours, first with her disappearance, then with the discovery of Somer's body. When the story first broke, I was annoyed that they interrupted my Big Bank Theory to talk about a missing girl that never came home from school. Then when Barry said (who, at first, was also annoyed) "What if it was Alexa?" my annoyance quickly dissipated.

I admit, I kept my distance. Even though it unfolded in Orange Park, minutes from where I grew up, I felt as I did with any other story on the news. It was a "There goes another one" attitude. Then, yesterday morning, I listened to Somer's mom give a news conference on the way to work. Her voice was so... distraught. I've never heard heartbreak, real sorrow, like I did from her.

Then, last night, they found the body but couldn't confirm it was Somer. So again, I kept my distance - they don't know yet.

But listening to the news on the way to work this morning, they confirmed the body found in the landfill was indeed Somer Thompson, a 7 yr old who was at the wrong place at the wrong time. I've never let a news story affect me like this. I sobbed all the way to work. I'm realizing that, as a parent, you see the news in a completely different light. Prior to Alexa, I could sympathize and say "I can imagine what they're going through." Now I realize that I really didn't have a fucking clue. No one can tell you how scary it is going to be as a parent. No one can warn you about these things. Does it get any easier to listen to the news? Knowing that the family on the screen really isn't any different than us and, just like my family, doesn't deserve to feel that horrific grief?

Somer, I didn't know you. But I know that your mother loves you. Your brothers and sisters love you. And now, a whole town, state, and country love you. Please dance with the angels, and give my Grandma a big hug from me.

Cheers.

Just to illustrate how freakin' sweet my Grandma was, one of her requests for her funeral was to pop open a 40 at the gravesite and have one last beer for her, then leave the bottle as the vase for flowers instead of a regular vase. Unfortunately, they couldn't find Old Milwaukee in a 40oz, so we had to settle for Budwiser. :)

Cheers, Grandma.

(always a rebel, she was. Even in her after life. :)

Last Trip to "Grandma's"

I can't believe this is the first time I've actually been on blogger in like 6 days. I've either been that busy or that lazy. I think it's a little of both.



Part of it has been because I'm not sure what to say about my grandma. We've known it was coming for such a long time. Before it happened I thought I was ready. But there was so much hype about it - one day she's got a few days "max", the next day the nurse is saying it could be weeks - that I just got tired of the non-updates. Predicting the future is not exactly a science. Well, life caught up to her at about 3:00 on Thursday, January 29th, 2009. I got the call from my mom while at work. I got a hug from my boss then went to the bathroom. It was the strangest feeling, sobbing on the toilet in a public restroom. I was so afraid someone would walk in, but at the same time hated being alone. I pulled myself together and got to the elevator before a good friend, Steve, stopped me. When I told him, he stopped what he was doing and got into the elevator with me and let me sob on his chest down 10 floors. Its the little things that people do that really make me realize what great friends I have, even co-workers.


Fast forward to Saturday. My mom, Barry, and I got on a plane to Midway (Chicago) at the ass-crack and landed about 10:00am. We took a detour to Chinatown (yum!) before going to Union Station to take the train to Lake Villa. I've mentioned before that the biggest fear I had was seeing my Grandpa. When we got there he was in their room. I was able to hug him for a long time. I tried to be strong but I just cried in his arms, with our family around us. I was so afraid that my favorite place in the whole world would have somehow lost it's magic without Grandma. Yes, there was something missing, but luckily not all the magic was lost. I realized that although Grandma leaving us was unbelievably hard, her life and body wasn't what defined the love in our family. The fact that EVERYONE was together, for the first time since all 8 cousins were children, kept it all real. Kept the magic of that house alive. We spent 5 days crying, laughing, looking at pictures, crying and laughing some more.

At the viewings and at the funeral, Barry told me I shouldn't have to "be strong" for anyone, but grieve for myself. I think that even though I've lost both my mom's parents, plus 2 of Barry's uncles, that this is the first time I've experienced true grief. I loved all of them, but my Grandma Jo like no one you'll ever meet. If you were lucky enough to know her, you are a better person because of it. Grief is just the weirdest feeling. One moment it seems as though I'll never feel joy again, and then I quickly recover and can laugh and talk about where we're going to get dinner. At the actual funeral Wednesday morning I was a flippin' wreck, but at the cemetery I was fine. I know it'll get easier...

I think my Grandpa will be OK. He will probably even come down to visit in a few weeks. :)

As for me, I'll keep her in my heart (and on my foot).

I love you, Grandma.

A New Addition

Illinois was FREEZING! Literally, it was colder than my freezer outside almost the entire time we were there. I will talk more about my trip later, but first I wanted to show you this:

Pay no attention to my jacked up toes, I have my mother to thank for those. (ha! i rhymed!) Wha - Oh, yeah - the tattoo! I decided that I was going to get a tattoo for my grandma and convinced my cousin and aunt to get one with me. We opted for just a simple heart on our feet. But I really wanted her name on it, since my name is also Jo. (Amanda Jo Hart Swedlow). Turns out that on Monday- when we were going to get them- I got stupid sick with a stomach virus and there was plenty of things still to do for the wake that night, so we didn't get to the tattoo parlor. Thank goodness, because I got home today and went to "my guy" instead( he's a friend of a friend who does awesome work). He did a phenomenal job of drawing this up and i love it. :)

Grandma Josephine

Josephine Stajduhar Hart

March 13, 1929 - January 29, 2009

Grandma Update

My Grandparents had a pretty eventful Thanksgiving. They were able to visit with all 3 of their children, me and a few other grandchildren, and they even got a suprise visit from Green Bay with my cousin Sarah and their brand new baby girl. They were so excited to meet another Great Grandchild.

I'm wondering if that was just what Grandma was waiting for.

Shortly after everyone were on their flights home, Grandma stopped talking. Her ankles and hands became more and more swollen and she grew weaker. So weak she couldn't feed herself. What we all knew would come finally seems to be happening.

Grandpa signed the Hospice paperwork yesterday; Grandma won't be with us much longer.

I'm grateful that Hospice is involved. They will be there every night to help her to bed. A chaplain will come by a few times a week for spritual support and a nurse will be there every day. They've taken her off the medications that she doesn't really need anymore (cholesterol).

I'm doing just OK. It hurts me that the next time I see her will be in a casket. I ache when I think that the next time I see my Grandpa he will be a widower. After 62 years of marriage, my Grandpa is losing his wife, his lover, his best friend, his soul mate. I have never seen anyone love another person as much as he loves her. I am scared to see him defeated. I'm afraid to see him without that twinkle in his irish eyes. I'm afraid I won't recognize him without it.

Logistially, I bought trip insurance for my cruise in Febuary, just in case. Murphy's Law says that because I bought the insurance I won't need it. I really hope that's the case.

...I'm really going to miss her.

Merry Christmas 2008 (UPDATED)

*Updated - I found my lost entry and re-posted it below.

A Very Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah to all!

Our Christmas this year was just lovely. (Yes, the word is silly, but it fits nicely.)

Christmas Eve, after having a drink with the girls from work, I went to Mom and Dad's to meet with the rest of the family to eat hors devours and open presents. Everyone got exactly what they wanted this year, and unless it was specifically asked for, no one got gift cards. I got a sewing machine from Mom, and now I'm nervous to decide what I'm going to make first. Pillows? Window treatments? Pet clothes for the boys?
(<---example of random cat. not one of mine; Barry would kill me!) Only time will tell. Barry got a turkey fryer. The family can't wait to have our first fried turkey. I hope we don't end up like the At&t commercial! (www.youtube.com/watch?v=6MR-2zKnn1I)

On Christmas morning, Barry and I got on the road by 7:30 to drive to Tampa to visit with some of the Swedlows. About 19 of us gathered at the home of Susan Eggleston's for the day from all over the country, all kin to David Swedlow (Uncle/Morty's brother). This is the first Christmas/Hanukkah since David's death in May, so it was extra special to have the family together. The day was filled with laughter and stories, and a few tears shed for David. We all miss him so much.On a side, but important note: I just love this family so much and I am more than grateful to have become a part of it. Thank you, Swedlows, for treating me like I've been a part of the family all along. I love you all more than I can discribe.

I had to work today (unfortunately) so around 7:00 I left Barry behind and drove back to Jacksonville. I got home about 11:00 and quickly went to bed to prepare for today. After work I'll be driving back down so I can spend one more day with everyone before they all fly back to each of their respective states. I guess I can take Barry back with me as well.

PS Let me give props to my wonderful husband. Last night when he got back to his hotel he went, on his own volition, running and swimming! Being in florida has its perks sometimes - being able to swim outside on Christmas! Great job, Babe - I'm proud of you!!

I Hate Wait.

It's amazing how one sentence can throw your world into an upspin.

"Uncle Howie died."

'There's no way; David just died in the spring.'

"He had a heart attack about 2 hours ago. That's all I know. The funeral may be Saturday, but there's no plans yet."

WTF? Now I sit here at work, with things to do but no motivation to do them. There's no reason to leave because there's nothing to do other than wait for the phone call. So, I will blog, and talk to you about our Uncle Howie.

I didn't get to know him very well, just at family gatherings and on our first cruise. Howie and his wife were there to share in our engagement, and in fact gave us the gift of the cruise. His voice was loud, scratchy and sometimes annoying, but he could always make you smile - even if it was from embarrassment. :) Howie LOVED his family, loved to laugh, and loved to have a good time. He loved life and lived it to the fullest. He and his wife just retired fully and moved to Oklahoma to be closer to his grandchildren about 6 months ago. It's sad that they will never get to hear his boisterous laugh.

Goodbye, Uncle Howie.

Grandma Hart

My Grandma is back in the hospital. An MRI on Sunday confirmed a brain tumor. Only it's not as big as the first one... 3/4 inch vs. 1 inch. She had some issues last weekend because she lost the use of her left side and couldn't stand or grip or do anything. Every once in a while her leg would move all on its own. :(
They're talking options right now. Grandma does not want to loose her hair again and does not want surgery. They talked about doing a one time treatment, I think it's called GammaKnife, but they would have to drill two holes in her forehead to hold the thing steady. OR they can do the same thing (results-wise) and it would take 5 treatments and she would not loose her hair. I think they are leaning towards that one.
My grandpa has been able to take care of her becuase she's had the strength to hold on around his neck, but she can't do that without the use of her arm. She can't walk independently, so anytime she has to use the restroom or go to bed, she needs to be lifted. She wants to be home, but they are going to have to talk about full time care.
Luckily, her spirits are good and she says she will do what the Drs. recommend. She says she is trying to make the best of it and doing what she has to. She said to the Doctor, “Oh, I’m just eating like a pig.” One of the nurses came to give her a breathing treatment and asked Grandma if it was ok to put her head up. She said, “Oh sure.” Then while looking her in the eye said, “What would you have done if I had said no?” She's a hell of a woman. :)
My grandpa is trying to be positive. I almost worry about him more than my grandma. He's been in love with her for over 60 years. How do you cope with loosing your soul mate?

My Grandma.

If you know her, you are a happier person because she is in your life. Her laugh will brighten your day and her hugs warm your heart.

I absolutely love her.

And she's dying.

She battled and won lung cancer last year. As she was weakened by chemo and radiation, she fell horribly down a full flight of stairs and survived to dance at my wedding less than a year later.

After finding cancer on her brain, she was able to strengthen herself for brain surgery and demolish any trace of it. But they wanted to do radiation, 'just in case.'

And now, she is shutting down. Since finding the tennis ball-sized tumor in her brain, she's been up and down so many times, i've lost count. It's been the worst roller coaster for us. I can't imagine what it's been like for her. Now she can barely talk, can't walk and can't stop swelling up without steroids being pumped throughout her weak body. Everytime she gets well enough to go from the hosiptal to the nursing home (for therapy) and they think she's ready to go home, something else shuts down. Last night she was back to the hospital for stomach pain and now has a bladder infection. Once that's under control, it's back to the nursing home.

Hospice is now being talked about. If hospice is brought in, there's no more medicine except for pain and no more hospital visits. Her body will just have to shut down.

I know it's inevitable. She can't be around forever. But why not? Why can't she give me one more hug? Why can't I spend one more night at Grandma's house and wake up to the smell of her amazing scrambled eggs and cheese lofting from up the 65 year old staircase? What i wouldn't give for her to take my money in one more card game of 13-Wild.

Now i'm wondering: Should i try and fly up there one more time to see her alive? to truly say goodbye, knowing that this time is the last time? Or should i remember the last time i saw her: At my wedding, where she was strong and smiling and happy? I don't want to be selfish.

I want her to know how much I LOVE her. How much I will MISS her. I want her to know how much she has made my life that much more wonderful.