Thursday, September 11, 2008

Feeling Sorry For Myself?

There are about 5 people on my myspace that are currently expecting a baby. I am unbelievably happy for them. I love children, I love the joy they bring me and I'm not even a mother. I love seeing the little peanut ultrasounds and the "We're expecting!" headlines. I love the joy i read through friends blogs or even just captions of a child's picture written by their mother. I read Laurie's blog about and decided to take a gander at the DS baby pictures. Looking at them put tears in my eyes. They are just so beautiful. Children, whether they have DS or are "46-ers" just have a way to show undeniable love through their eyes and smiles.
I really don't want a child right now. I'm not ready yet. Barry and I aren't in a place that we can financially take care of a child. Barry's not in a place mentally that he is ready for a child. I don't know if he ever will be. But I knew that when I married him.
Even if we both were ready and wanted a baby, who knows when it would be before i got pregnant, if i am able to get pregnant at all. (That thought scares me the most.) With my PCOS, things don't seem to be getting any better. Most of that is my fault - the 20 pounds the doctor told me to loose is still sitting on my fat belly. I was doing so well at taking my meds on time and now, since we've been traveling a lot lately, i keep forgetting. I will get back on track with that though.
With all that being said, I have a confession to make: I would be estatic if I got pregnant. I can't help but feel envious of those 5+ people on my myspace. The warmth that must be going through their hearts - i can only imagine it. I've been only imagining it for a few years now. My heart is ready to experience it first hand. If only my head and pocketbook (and husband) would catch up.


Erin and Rick said...

I just signed off of Myspace, after looking at at least 4 or 5 posts about new babies or new pregnancies. And I was sitting here, just feeling that deep saddness settle in like it always does. Thinking about how my baby should be keeping me awake right now, not this terrible saddness I feel every night when I pass the empty crib on my way to bed. And then I started on my blogspot checks, and it was comforting to read yours. Although we are in different positions, I know those feelings you're having. Sometimes I feel like a horrible person because while I smile & tell everyone how happy I am for them, inside I really just hurt. My entire life is on hold and all the plans & dreams we made are uncertain.

Let's get together, lady! Life's too short.

Angelle said...

Oh that last comment broke my heart!

Mandi, the money part is tough and I would try to work that out a bit before a baby comes into the mix. But Mike wasn't "ready" when we had Leah. You won't be either, not in reality. But all of that doesn't matter when you hold your own child. He will fall in love and that will be it. A surprise pregnancy may work better for him because then he doesn't have to "decide." :)

Unfortunately, with the PCOS, you may not be able to pull a surprise off. You may have to do some time with a specialist. I really hope that is not the case for you. I know YOU will be an amazing mother. You have such capacity for love. I totally admire that about you.

I am getting teary while I type. I love you, girl!

Laurie said...

For what it's worth, I think that both you and Barry will be really really excellent parents. You will.

Mary (Bryan's stepmom) once told me that there will never be a perfect time to have kids. There just won't. But when you have them, it becomes the perfect moment.

I'm also learning right now to put my trust and faith in a higher I'm praying for a surprise for you :) I truly think there is a plan and a reason for everything.


Erin and Rick said...

I just read everyone else's comments and I realized I was bummed last ngiht & should have said- I must agree what wonderful, amazing parents you both will be. Your heart has always just overflowed with love for everyone around you! I've always admired that. And Angelle is right- you're never really 'ready'. We were not sure if we were ready as far as money, but something just felt right & we decided to 'see what would happen'. And although Amelia is gone, she saved my life. Pray alot, and love each other*