I was going to title this one "Tonight Sucked."
It actually started Saturday. At Alexsa's second feeding of the day, she decided to refuse me. It wasn't a gradual "I'm starting to get sick of this boob" thing, it was: "Morning feed? Yummy! 2nd Feeding? I hate tit." She repeated herself until that evening, but Sunday it was the same story. I figured it was because she's gotten used to the bottle during the day with Daddy, but its now Wednesday and she's continued to refuse me except for in the morning. She starts crying as soon as I lay her down in front of me, like I'm about to throw her into a fire or something.
Well tonight I had enough. She actually started crying when I took my shirt off. The sight of my breasts repulses her that much. So I just sat there and cried while she wailed at me.* Every time I did anything close to what she thought was me trying to get her to latch, she just screamed louder, which made me cry harder. I gave up and made her a bottle, which made me cry again because the thought of me feeding her formula when there's perfect milk millimeters from her pissed me off. The thought of how much formula costs pissed me off. Doesn't she know I want what's best for her, and that's Mommy Milk? Doesn't she know we're broke?
I have worked so hard to be able to produce the little I am giving her as it is. Doesn't she realize what I go through to get her the best meal possible? (My reduction surgery has made breastfeeding an all out battle of wills: Mandi v. Boob. As soon as I think I'm winning, Boob throws a dirty play.)
I'm hoping this is just a temporary thing. Do you think that shes getting upset because she's got a bit of a stuffy nose and maybe its harder for her to drink from me than a bottle because of it? Maybe its just a phase. I just hope this is temporary, and not a sign that she's done with me.
*side note: My child screams in just the right tone that literally rings my ears, its almost painful. Is it designed that way?