If you know her, you are a happier person because she is in your life. Her laugh will brighten your day and her hugs warm your heart.
I absolutely love her.
And she's dying.
She battled and won lung cancer last year. As she was weakened by chemo and radiation, she fell horribly down a full flight of stairs and survived to dance at my wedding less than a year later.
After finding cancer on her brain, she was able to strengthen herself for brain surgery and demolish any trace of it. But they wanted to do radiation, 'just in case.'
And now, she is shutting down. Since finding the tennis ball-sized tumor in her brain, she's been up and down so many times, i've lost count. It's been the worst roller coaster for us. I can't imagine what it's been like for her. Now she can barely talk, can't walk and can't stop swelling up without steroids being pumped throughout her weak body. Everytime she gets well enough to go from the hosiptal to the nursing home (for therapy) and they think she's ready to go home, something else shuts down. Last night she was back to the hospital for stomach pain and now has a bladder infection. Once that's under control, it's back to the nursing home.
Hospice is now being talked about. If hospice is brought in, there's no more medicine except for pain and no more hospital visits. Her body will just have to shut down.
I know it's inevitable. She can't be around forever. But why not? Why can't she give me one more hug? Why can't I spend one more night at Grandma's house and wake up to the smell of her amazing scrambled eggs and cheese lofting from up the 65 year old staircase? What i wouldn't give for her to take my money in one more card game of 13-Wild.
Now i'm wondering: Should i try and fly up there one more time to see her alive? to truly say goodbye, knowing that this time is the last time? Or should i remember the last time i saw her: At my wedding, where she was strong and smiling and happy? I don't want to be selfish.
I want her to know how much I LOVE her. How much I will MISS her. I want her to know how much she has made my life that much more wonderful.
I absolutely love her.
And she's dying.
She battled and won lung cancer last year. As she was weakened by chemo and radiation, she fell horribly down a full flight of stairs and survived to dance at my wedding less than a year later.
After finding cancer on her brain, she was able to strengthen herself for brain surgery and demolish any trace of it. But they wanted to do radiation, 'just in case.'
And now, she is shutting down. Since finding the tennis ball-sized tumor in her brain, she's been up and down so many times, i've lost count. It's been the worst roller coaster for us. I can't imagine what it's been like for her. Now she can barely talk, can't walk and can't stop swelling up without steroids being pumped throughout her weak body. Everytime she gets well enough to go from the hosiptal to the nursing home (for therapy) and they think she's ready to go home, something else shuts down. Last night she was back to the hospital for stomach pain and now has a bladder infection. Once that's under control, it's back to the nursing home.
Hospice is now being talked about. If hospice is brought in, there's no more medicine except for pain and no more hospital visits. Her body will just have to shut down.
I know it's inevitable. She can't be around forever. But why not? Why can't she give me one more hug? Why can't I spend one more night at Grandma's house and wake up to the smell of her amazing scrambled eggs and cheese lofting from up the 65 year old staircase? What i wouldn't give for her to take my money in one more card game of 13-Wild.
Now i'm wondering: Should i try and fly up there one more time to see her alive? to truly say goodbye, knowing that this time is the last time? Or should i remember the last time i saw her: At my wedding, where she was strong and smiling and happy? I don't want to be selfish.
I want her to know how much I LOVE her. How much I will MISS her. I want her to know how much she has made my life that much more wonderful.
3 comments:
I am so sad for you and your family. Your grandma is amazing.
Here's my advice: if you think that on down the line you will regret not going to see her, GO SEE HER! I wish I had gone to visit my grandma one more time, even though she was not the grandma I remembered. She had gone downhill quickly due to Lou Gehrig's disease. I still miss her...
I agree with Angelle. I think that you've been given this time for a reason. You'll always have the memories of your wedding too. My thoughts are with your family.
I'm so sorry, Mandi. You are in my thoughts.
It's up to you. But from my personal experience, I didn't go see my Grandma one last time when she was very very sick with lung cancer. I didn't think that I wanted to remember her like that.I regret it.
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